I have occasional bathroom issues caused by food sensitivities (damn your delicious yet toxic nature, nacho cheese).

These bathroom issues involves pooping a bunch of times in one day. The frequent pooping and wiping severely irritate my poor butthole, aggravating hemorrhoids and anal fissures.

I know lots of people around here swear by the miracle of bidets, but before I start shopping around, I’m wondering if there are any naysayers out there who just don’t like bidets, along with why that’s the case.

Bonus question: how do I use a bidet? Most of the instructions I’ve found are a bit delicate about the details. Anyone want to give me a detailed description of how and what to do?

My swollen, bloody anus thanks you.

  • s_s@lemmy.one
    25·
    11 months ago

    how do I use a bidet?

    1. After pooping, you continue to sit on the toilet.

    2. You turn the knob on the bidet handle.

    3. The stream sprays the shit flecks off your asshole, they go down into toilet.

    4. Then you use a tiny portion of the TP you are accustomed to use to dry the whole situation.

    • JGrffn@lemmy.world
      253·
      11 months ago

      Alternatively, if your bidet has the strength and you’re manly enough not to be confused by getting ass fucked every day, loosen up a bit and let the mighty Poseidon fuck your ass, then push the water [and the extra poop] out once you feel the water mounting up. Repeat a few times, then tighten back up for the wiping shot.

      Warning: this can make your anal muscles lazy, and it’s admittedly taboo to get ass fucked by your bidet, but I’ll swear by it until the day someone tells me it causes cancer, and then I’ll keep swearing by it until I get cancer.

      • s_s@lemmy.one
        11·
        11 months ago

        I mean…I started out getting buttfucked by my bidet and now I’m leaning hard into being bisexual.

        • Dharma Curious@startrek.website
          7·
          11 months ago

          This is interesting. I started out getting butt fucked by men, and now I’m very bidet-curious (because it might make it easier and more convenient to get butt fucked by men).

          • JGrffn@lemmy.world
            5·
            11 months ago

            As someone who doesn’t get butt fucked by men, I think it WOULD be convenient; it’s a great and quick douching solution. I do think bidet water pressure and even positioning/toilet shape play a big role here, though, so do keep that in mind. I’ve installed a bunch of them in other bathrooms for friends and family and haven’t gotten as ass fucked by those as by the one in my own bathroom.

            • Dharma Curious@startrek.website
              4·
              11 months ago

              … sometimes I forget that comments on lemmy aren’t like reddit. I’m not just saying things into a void here, and people might actually see it. Lol. Now I’m embarrassed, but also very appreciative of the information!