I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.
Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.
I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.
“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”
I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.
Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.
Did you specify a time when the dishes had to be washed and put away? It’s obvious to you that it needs to be done before the next meal is prepared, but is it obvious to your partner? Do they typically help you with washing, cooking or putting away if dishes? Did they learn how cooking works as a child? I find it pretty likely that your partner would find it obvious if they thought about it, but most tasks don’t require deep thought.
Now naturally you shouldn’t really have to put a time limit on chores, but it is a lot harder to separate ignorance from malice if you don’t have clear (and potentially documented) expectations.
We have been married 15 years. I have talked, argued, made lists, and gone on strike. Nothing helps. He may be helpful for a day or two and the second I even acknowledge he’s stepping up, it’s like he goes “great she’s not mad anymore. Now I can stop”. Everything seems to be an avoidance at being an equal partner. If I bring up that I do most of the housework he argues that I’m mistaken about how much he does. If I point out he hasn’t done a chore or has done it only half, he’ll argue that he was going to and so it’s not fair for me to be mad because he fully intends to do it (he never does it). I’ve set time limits, and he waits until the last possible minute and then it’s not his fault when things go wrong because it was more complicated than he thought it would be. Even things that we need to plan to do, like basic house maintenance, he argues about why it needs to be done or makes it 100x more complicated than it needs to be until he has justified not doing it at all. I’ve lowered my standards for housekeeping, for meals, for everything and still, I end up doing almost all of it while he relaxes because “why does it need to be done right now?” Because they pile up and I’m getting buried waiting for him to step up. I also handle most of the child-care, transportation and am the main income earner for the household. I have a full time job and a side gig, and he teaches music in the evenings. That’s it. How the hell am I always the asshole?
Sounds like you’re trying to teach a fish to fly.
Sounds like your values wrt to chores don’t align. If you’ve “tried going on strike” and the result is that he doesn’t care, then maybe this is something that only you care about. And that would completely explain the situation – his goal is to make you happy, so he takes what actions will stop you from complaining, you think he’s learned, and then he goes back to it bc he sees that there’s no more complaints.
I don’t think anyone has accused you of being an asshole. But it’s possible your standards for living are higher than his. That isn’t necessarily insurmountable, but y’all probably should have that discussion.
There’s always accusations of weaponized incompetence on these types of posts. And while that’s definitely a real thing that happens, I figure a lot more often it’s laziness/not being interested in the result. I figure this is often a result of not ever living alone. If I don’t wash my clothes, I don’t have clothes to wear. I could be less lazy about using the laundry, or I could own more clothes and do laundry in greater bulk. Some people chose the former. Some chose the latter. I find both acceptable. If I had a partner that would do the chore for me, I’d thank them, but I’d also tell them that I’d get to it eventually and that everything would be fine.
Dude, seriously, he needed to wash two salad bowls and two frying pans. This is not a case of unreachable goals or unrealistic expectations.
That’s not exactly what I’m saying. I’m not saying your goals for him are unrealistic. But are they his goals?
In his head he’s probably going “it’s only 4 items why does it block cooking I can just do it later”.
And my guess is that you are trying to communicate the problem and either he’s not listening or he’s not hearing. The former there’s not much you can do about. But the latter means you might need to explain things a different way.
That’s what I’m here for. Feedback on how to explain it a different way. Things get very twisty when we talk about things he is defensive about, so helping have itemized thoughts keeps me focused.
"I don’t like to cook in a messy kitchen. You might not understand why this bothers me. And it might not bother you, but it bothers me a lot. So when I ask you to put the dishes away, and they aren’t put away by the time I next want to cook, it makes me feel disrespected and ignored.
How can we work together to fix this?"
I want this thing bc I like it is a totally valid feeling. Don’t get bogged down in an argument about how it doesn’t matter if the kitchen is messy. It matters to you and that is important in and of itself. Bc you’re never going to get him to understand why you care about this. He doesn’t and will try to convince you that you also shouldnt worry about this. You need to reframe as “I want this thing, help me get it”
I say this bc I’m the partner that goes “we don’t need to do X bc …”. I try to avoid this type of problem by proactively asking my partner is this something you’re trying to solve or something you want don’t bc that’s how you like it.