ARFUR is picking their nose

SHERBOURNE: aw, Jesus Arf

ARFUR: what?

SHERBOURNE: come on that’s disgusting

ARFUR eats the bogey

SHERBOURNE: ewwwwww!! JADED: arrrrrr!!! OFFALY: smiling Arf…

ARFUR: I like picking my nose. I like picking my nose. It’s satisfying. And it’s tasty. And it helps you breathe. The only reason not to pick your nose is the fear of being judged. So, when you pick your nose… (really starting to enjoy themselves now), when one picks one’s nose, one gets the satisfaction of peeling a gnarly globule out of a fleshy cavity, a tasty little salty snack, clear airways, and, liberation from shame.

OFFALY: Nose-shame in that.

JADED: weyyyyyyy ARFUR: weyyyyyyy SHERBOURNE: weyyyyyyy

ARFUR: Nose-shaming (pleased with this term) Is a white supremecist colonial construct.

JADED: Designed to keep our airways blocked

ARFUR: Stop us breathing!

JADED: Keeping us anxious

ARFUR: Dulling our sense of smell!

OFFALY: So we can’t smell out the rat!

SHERBOURNE: Ah now guys, leave the ratties out of it. to ARFUR Do you feel like this about scabs?

ARFUR: …Alright I kinda feel the same about scabs.

SHERBOURNE: Okay but scabs, there are good sound medical reasons not to pick your scabs, so…

ARFUR: Well, speaking as a Trade Unionist

SHERBOURNE: Former trade unionist

JADED: Woah

OFFALY: Yeah what was that?

SHERBOURNE: Sorry sorry, dunno where that came from

ARFUR: It’s calm. Speaking as a former trade unionist, I know that the best way to deal with scabs…

JADED: Here we go

ARFUR: Is to just picket.

JADED: weyyyyyyy OFFALY: weyyyyyyy SHERBOURNE: weyyyyyyy

I’ve given up trying to sort out the formatting blip below. “he’s a very mad man” can be replaced with “she’s a very mad mam” if ya want.

---

JADED rummages through the pockets of his huge coat, before finding his VAPE PEN AND JUICE, amongst the various bits of rubbish and lint, is a small, portion-control-sized pot of jam.

SHERBOURNE: Why have you got a tiny pot of jam?

JADED: Oh… it’s er, it’s for the bees.

OFFALY: It’s for what?

JADED: It’s for the bees.

ARFUR: What bees?

JADED: Well exactly, you barely see them at all now, and when you do, they’re always struggling, and sometimes all they need is a little bit of sugar and they’re off on their way

Pause

SHERBOURNE: singing, quietly and slowly at first He’s a very mad man

OFFALY: He carries around a pot of jam

ARFUR: He told me that it’s for the bees

SHERBOURNE: But I saw him rub it on his knees!

OFFALY/ARFUR/SHERBOURNE: starting to dance around JADED
He’s a very mad man

					He carries around a pot of jam

					He told me that it’s for the bees 

					But I saw him rub it on his knees

					
					*dancing with increased fervour*
					He’s a very mad man		
					He carries around a pot of jam
					He told us that it’s for the bees 
					But we saw him rub it on his knees

OFFALY/ARFUR/SHERBOURNE: dancing with increased fervour still He’s a very mad man He carries around a pot of jam He told us that it’s for the bees But we saw him rub it on his knees

OFFALY/ARFUR/SHERBOURNE: dancing with increased fervour still HE’S A VERY MAD MAN HE CARRIES AROUND A POT OF JAM HE TOLD US THAT IT’S FOR THE BEES BUT WE SAW HIM RUB IT ON HIS KNEES

OFFALY/ARFUR/SHERBOURNE: dancing with increased fervour still HE’S A VERY MAD MAN HE CARRIES AROUND A POT OF JAM HE TOLD US THAT IT’S FOR THE BEES BUT WE SAW HIM RUB IT ON HIS KNEES

JADED: I’M A VERY MAD MAN! (pulls his trousers down) I CARRY AROUND A POT OF JAM I TOLD ‘EM THAT IT’S FOR THE BEES (rubs jam on his knees) BUT I REALLY RUB IT ON ME KNEES!

OFFALY/ARFUR/SHERBOURNE: muffled, licking the jam off JADED’s knees, alongside CHEESECAKE HE’S A VERY MAD MAN HE CARRIES AROUND A POT OF JAM HE TOLD US THAT IT’S FOR THE BEES (releasing their mouths from JADED’s knees) THE PALS: But he reaaaaaaally rubs it on his kneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

							Lights down.