TL;DR at the bottom.
I (24f) am going through the legal elements of a divorce but have been separated for a few months now. I loved my ex husband, but before marrying I made it clear I didn’t want kids and didn’t want him to wait or hope for me to change my mind. He agreed and told me he would be happy with me even if I never wanted kids.
Just under a year ago he sat me down and told me he had been realizing more and more that he changed his mind and thinks he does want kids. I asked how long this had been happening, he said about a year. I already knew where this was headed, but thought I owed it to us to at least try. Months of therapy and thinking and talking and waiting for him to come to the same conclusion I had brought up to him and accepted pretty early on and we finally decided mutually that we would have to divorce. I didn’t want him to stay with me and risk having any resentment towards me and feel unfulfilled, and I dont want kids. I don’t know if I’ll want them in the future, I don’t think I will, but he wanted them ASAP so it was irrelevant anyways.
At least the separation/divorce has been amicable, but it was (and sometimes still is) incredible difficult emotionally. I’m grateful that his family didn’t guilt me when they learned of the reason for the divorce, though the reason he gave for me being childfree was medical reasons which is only kind of true. Still, at least I didn’t get any flak for it from anybody.
The guy I’m talking to now is vehemently childfree and it’s great being able to freely make faces about or feel annoyed by children, not want to go to baby showers or baby birthday parties, and all other things that I used to feel alone in with my ex husband (and made me wonder for a while if he was truly childfree like me). Not to say you have to dislike children to be childfree, but I would often get a weird look about my attitude and discomfort around children.
I was never active on the subreddit but I’m making more of an effort to be active in the communities on Lemmy, so I guess hi everyone! How are you? Anybody here with a similar story?
TL;DR My husband changed his mind and I didn’t so now I’m a 24 year old divorcée introducing myself and my story being childfree :)
It’s an ever increasing sentiment, not having children. It’s also why a lot of folks wait later to get married. My ex-wife and I divorced early on (we were 23 and 21 when we married), but the divorce came only a year and a half later. It’s really hard to gauge what you want in your early 20s and it’s not the early 1900s where children were seen as extra hands to till the fields.
My best advice is, if you decide to re-marry at some point, make sure whoever your future partner is established in their mindset. If they are adamantly “childfree” and in their late 20s, it’s probably a mindset that will continue. If there is even a slight doubt, make sure you drill down to a yes/no. Even then, there are no guarantees. But man - I’d be lying if I said I knew exactly what I wanted in life up until I was 29. It’s a difficult conversation for some, like your ex, and they’ll hold out hope that you’ll change your mind even if they don’t vocalize it or say otherwise. But it’s good that you both amicably split early rather than having it manifest into resentment later on.
Big ticket items like that are pretty binary. If you try to squeeze in a .5 between 1 and 0, it’s going to cause problems.
Well, I’m in my 50s and I still haven’t figured it all out. That said, I’m pretty content, so I must be doing something at least somewhat right.
Hah! I think to an extent no one has things quite figured out, regardless of age. But if you’re content without it being at the expense of others (looking at politicians and corporate elites here), then that’s what matters
Yup of course, I know that now. And it’s gotten me worried that when I get older I might change my mind too; I’m holding off on any big decisions until I’m older and my decision feels more finalized.
I agree, there’s no compromise on the issue which is why I knew immediately where it would be headed when he told me.
I know this is a few months old but I wanted to share some of my past because we have a lot in common. I was married to a man who, besides being cruel, told me he wanted kids two years in. I got married way too young…
I desperately tried to get sterilized but the military gyno told me (at 24) that I was too young to make that decision and that my husband might want kids, so she wouldn’t do it. There’s a lot more drama/PTSD involved in the middle, but eventually we had a messy divorce. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I got sterilized, no longer have periods, have an incredible sex life, have more friends, sleep in whenever I want to, and can travel. If I change my mind, I’ll foster so I can change a life that already exists. I had endometrial ablation and a bisalp, meaning I still have my uterus and ovaries, so no babies, but also no risk of organ collapse and my ovaries still produce hormones. Life is so much better. I’m really proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You’ve got this! I’m here if you need a shoulder or to vent.
Thanks for sharing your story, sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I’m lucky in that he was never cruel to me and the divorce was as smooth as I think it could have been. I have a gyno appointment coming up soon so I’m hoping to talk about my options for sterilization then.
That’s awesome! Yeah! I highly recommend Bilateral Salpingectomy with Endometrial Ablation. No periods, no cramps, no mood swings, and no babies! Don’t just get your tubes tied, get the bisalp to remove your fallopian tubes, because tied tubes can reconnect. One out of every 200 women who get their tubes tied instead of removed, end up pregnant. That is not a small number.
23 years with my wife childfree.
I’m happy for you, congratulations :)
Do you mind sharing some of the pros and cons when you compare to others in your state of life with children?
Its sorta hard to. This is the path we took. Initially due to economic considerations and eventually due to environmental. Pros I guess is you won’t have to watch your children and grandchildren have a worse life than you which was worse than your parents. Cons is you can’t take advantage of them to make your old age a bit easier.
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Thanks for sharing; and yes, of course without having lived both it’s difficult. I hope you both find ease as you get older even without children :)
I hope so to but life is easier at times and more difficult. Im a believer in euthanasia rights and I hope those develop and are there for us so that when life gets to difficult we can have a nice and dignified pain free ending. Granted that will be hard if one wants or needs to go before the other. Im older though and women tend to live longer so likely I will have the easier end of that. Don’t get me wrong im not racing for that. Even better would be some scifi level medicine developing.
Yes it’s something to think about for sure. Then I hope even through tough times you find ways to smile 😊
oh yeah we do. Maybe im painting to bleak a picture. All our parents passed and we are not thrilled with the endings. We still have a few decades of ups and downs ourselves.
I divorced almost 10 years ago for the exact same reason. Now I’m in my mid-30s with an awesome condo in a location where my ex would never want to live and DINK money. I genuinely loved my ex, but I can’t imagine a life where we would both be happy now and still together.
Thanks for sharing. Your current life is where I’m hoping to be in the future :)
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but glad things are looking up now. It’s unfortunately such a common story, but sometimes people really do change their minds, especially around that age when they’re settling into adult life and learning more about themselves and what they want in the future.
Fortunately, it’s increasingly socially acceptable and common to be childfree and I’m sure you’ll find the right person for you (if you haven’t already with the new guy!).
Thanks for the kind words! He feels right, but I’ll take it slow :)
