Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.

I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)

Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.

I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can’t.

I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.

I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.

I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.

I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn’t be.

Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?

Thanks

(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)

Morning after post edit:

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn’t let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn’t stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.

Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.

2.5 days after post edit:

Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.

All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. 🤞

All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.

I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don’t need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. 😋 (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)

What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line “I want breasts” and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.

I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.

Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.

Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. 😘

(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)

P.s. Still cis though (jk)

  • Wahots@pawb.social
    2·
    1 year ago

    Heh, gosh, you remind me of me back when I was still trying to figure out my sexuality. I would be absolutely dumbstruck by girls, so I knew I wasn’t gay…at least I was pretty sure? But then I’d also experiment with guys between relationships. I didn’t think of them as cute in the same way, but whenever I saw a gay couple, I’d get terribly nervous and get butterflies and wasn’t sure why. I had these dreams of a white picket fence, kids, a wife…I was worried that for some reason this…part of me that was opaque to me and unsure of that wouldn’t allow me to live happily. I eventually had this really rough coming out. I was trying to date girls because secretly, I was trying to keep my mind off one of my good guy friends who already liked me. I kept meeting girls who just weren’t quite my type, or their personality was just kinda…not great. And he was so beautiful and shiny and loving. We had known each other for years, and he was a wonderful human being. One day he kinda asked me how I felt about him, and I was so caught off guard because in that moment, I realized I was running away from him because I was so so scared of how my life might change if I veered off that path towards the white picket fence to date him. And I panicked and broke down completely when my mom who was visiting stepped into the room minutes later.

    And I got a counselor. And he figuratively gripped my cheeks and told me that my life would be the same no matter who I was dating, men, women, nonbinary, whatever. That I could make the life I wanted with anyone, and that their gender wouldn’t change that, or how society saw me. That helped set me free.

    I’ve been dating that boy for a year now and my life is so, so much better. I’m happier, I’m not stressed out about it anymore, and I can do what I want. We haven’t gotten married yet, but he’s interested in having kids and that white picket fence. I think things are gonna go well :)