It’s painfully obvious that the Lemmy population is primarily men.

Frustrating.

edit: to save my sanity, I choose believe that the majority of comments here are trolling. Y’all cannot genuinely be this dense.

I wanted to talk with other women about this to get more clarity and it turns into…this. Damn.

  • snooggums@midwest.social
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    4 months ago

    Looking for signs and not seeing them and then being told we missed signs that were indistinguishable from being polite is just part of being a man. So is being told off because you read signs that previous women said were their signs, but weren’t for someone else.

    The best skill a man can have is being able to ask if there is a slight chance while being ready to casually accept rejection, because hints are so inconsistent from person to person and men are expected to initiate.

    • mlaga97@lemmy.mlaga97.space
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      4 months ago

      Looking for signs and not seeing them and then being told we missed signs that were indistinguishable from being polite is just part of being a man. dating women.

      It’s like that as a lesbian too lol

      • snooggums@midwest.social
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        4 months ago

        Also gay and bi people!

        I was just working with the context of the post and social expectations of heterosexual dating.

      • RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com
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        4 months ago

        Those complicated women!

        I’ve not really recovered from my last rejection and that was not even romantic but merely friendship driven.

        I’m not complaining, I’m just confused.

      • schmidtster@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        It’s 2024 you can tell a man you like them.

        Why can’t you ask yourself?

        It would be hella creepy and weird for a man to have to ask every women if they have feelings, a women can put themselves out there as well!

        • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyzOP
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          4 months ago

          Holy shit

          The dude wants to know if a woman likes him! If he wants to know, HE SHOULD ASK!

          The woman may not even realize that he has any romantic interest!

          • CTDummy@lemm.ee
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            4 months ago

            I get your broader point here but you understand there are places/situations where this is inappropriate as a guy right? I generally try my best to leave women the fuck alone. I’ve befriended plenty of women in customer service/hospo so I’ve heard many a “guy mistakes my friendly (I.e professional) demeanour to be more than it is” and I have 0 interest in being that guy.

            My current partner had to ask me out when we first started dating because while we were always friendly at work, it was just that. Friendly. What if I asked her out and she wasn’t interested? Now I’ve torpedoed a work relationship, a friendship and created a potentially uncomfortable work environment. If she had asked and I wasn’t interested? At least she’s not a tall, bearded dude who hopefully can handle rejection fine.

            • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyzOP
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              4 months ago

              That’s a fair point.

              This also implies that a woman’s experience is that men often carry the risk of danger if rejected.

              That’s… concerning.

              • CTDummy@lemm.ee
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                4 months ago

                Unfortunately it is the truth and I think it’s better for men to try and keep that in mind. You don’t know what the women in your workplace have been through or what sorta blokes they’ve had to deal with. So best to try and conduct yourself in a manner considerate of that fact. I don’t pretend to know heaps about it but I am lucky enough to have had some brave people share their experiences with me and yeah, pretty grim to say the least.

              • Dukeofdummies@kbin.social
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                4 months ago

                I mean, the sad part is that there’s really no other place guys and gals mix besides work or school. Once you graduate it’s just work that remains. I don’t even mean romantically either. I think it’s hand in hand with the loneliness epidemic everyone keeps talking about. Where do you meet new people? Women can be so rare in some men’s lives that to just say “ask if they like you” almost implies that they should ask every woman which both sides know is not what should be happening.

                Ideally you would be mixing with strangers at a pub or something where if you put your foot in your mouth and somebody says no to friendship/partnership you both go your separate ways and no harm no foul, you probably won’t even run into each other for days/weeks, but now everything is just shitty.

                • Clubs are too loud to talk at, so while you might be adjacent to a bunch of new people you won’t be with any new people.

                • Bars work somewhat decent, people are friendly, the counter is where strangers mix. It does require you to imbibe a steady stream of booze though. You’ll also have to jump around until you find one that you like. Same thing with smoking areas, smokers are crazy friendly, asking for a light is a great ice breaker. I actually used to carry a lighter just for this reason, and I never even smoked. Still a terrible habit to adopt to get friends though.

                • Any speed-friending or dating events/sites are just crawling with cringey people (I once went to one and had someone try to sell me a timeshare)

                • Everything has gone up in price, which sucks because now you go to an event and have a pressure to make it worth the money which just adds to the shittiness of the night.

                • The most reliable place people hang with strangers is the internet, but even then it’s not a conversation. It’s letters and pen pals.

                Way too many people just have work left to meet people and that’s not exactly a great place to pursue a relationship because careers cause way to many tripwires. A foot in the mouth brings in HR. Someone gets promoted and now there’s a power dynamic. Yes it’s inherently riskier to pursue people there. I think guys complain about it more just because they’re more isolated and deal with it more.

                I spent a lot of time when I graduated trying to find somewhere where I could find people and I finally landed on the convention scene and even met my wife there, but it took almost 5 years of leaving my house, trial and error, lots of events, and some truly boring expensive nights.

          • NaibofTabr@infosec.pub
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            4 months ago

            The woman may not even realize that he has any romantic interest!

            You do you realize that this is exactly the same issue for the man, right? Literally: The man may not even realize that she has any romantic interest.

            The secondary problem is that if the man thinks the answer might be yes, and chooses to act on that, he is far more likely to be treated as a harasser if he’s wrong.

            • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyzOP
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              4 months ago

              The man may not even realize that she has any romantic interest

              Then she should speak up and vice versa.

              It’s not that deep.

              • NaibofTabr@infosec.pub
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                4 months ago

                Then she should speak up and vice versa.

                Well, yes it should be this simple, in an ideal social world where everyone is a good actor with no ulteriror motives.

                In reality, social interaction is not this simple, and generally the man is expected to initiate. Social behavior hasn’t actually caught up to modern ideas about gender equality, and few women are willing to actually take the risk of rejection and instead assume that the man will take that burden by default.

          • schmidtster@lemmy.world
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            4 months ago

            In this case from the context it’s pretty clear they were likely sending signals.

            Are you reading anything beyond what you want to read?

            • ex_06
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              4 months ago

              to me it’s just clear that the guy in the screenshot plain ignored the answer lol

            • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyzOP
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              4 months ago

              My guy.

              He’s literally the person complaining about it. So my advice was to ask.

              “But it shouldn’t be always on the men to—!”

              YEAH OKAY SURE but in this situation, if you really wanna know, just ask!

                • Iapar@feddit.de
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                  4 months ago

                  It works. The problem is that this doesn’t work with women/humans that play games.

                  And at that point you should ask yourself is that a person you want in your life.

                  If I ask someone and get rejected in a rude way I’m hurt, of course, but at the same time I’m happy because I dodged a cunt.

                  And if you ask and get a positive response the whole thing starts on a great note.

                  So depending on your perspective it is a win-win situation.

  • Urist@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    4 months ago

    Wow, so there are more women than just me on lemmy.

    I have nothing to add to this post but I saw this thread was mostly full of men, and… idk I wanted to fix the gender imbalance? I mean, lemmy is cool but these comments are so on-brand lmao.

    • Exocrinous@lemm.ee
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      4 months ago

      There’s tons of women on Lemmy, but a lot of them aren’t on this community because they only have one X chromosome. They’re hanging out in the nicer places

      • punkisundead [they/them]
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        4 months ago

        Is that something others brought up somewhere else? I am asking because this is a continuous topic since the sub was created, but to my knowledge only in discussions on slrpnk.net

        • Exocrinous@lemm.ee
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          4 months ago

          Nah, there were continuous discussions ever since the sub was created on Reddit. Years ago. The mods made a big announcement post one month after they made the subreddit saying “we hear you trans people, but go fuck yourselves”. Same thing happened here.

    • Soulg@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      Genuinely not really sure why everyone is bashing these comments, were there deleted ones I didn’t see?

      • Urist@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        The comments I’m referring to are all still here. I think you’re just lacking context:

        1. My comment comes from a place of snark, not offense, like the other commenters.

        2. This subcommunity is TwoXChromosomes, a subcommunity for women’s perspectives

        3. The OP post is a vent post, venting about how male perspectives are just like… everywhere on lemmy, to the point is is not just the default, but even things about women’s perspectives are bogged down by “but what about MY perspective”, from men.

        4. You can see this all play out in the comment chain started by snooggums

        5. If this still doesn’t make sense after reading all this… hey this is unrelated, do you identify as male?

        Bonus feature: the screenshot in the OP’s post uses the word “tsunedere” unironically to describe IRL interactions. We have all met this person online… some of them are probably in the comments of this post. I’m not making a moral judgement about people like this. Nerds are my people. I’m just going to point out that they probably have a lot of interpersonal struggles, and seeking romantic relationships are just one facet of that. I’m also wondering if the person in OP’s screenshot, if he were to think a little harder, if he really thinks using anime stereotypes to describe IRL women is uh… you know, a good thing to do?

        I’ve met men like that: they know two groups of people, Ordinary People and women.

        Anyway, I wrote more than I meant to. Hope this gives a little insight about why people are replying this way.

  • DaCookeyMonsta@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    To be fair I have asked in the past and at times gotten a cryptic message back that confirmed nothing or an ew no.

    It’s the fear of that ew no that keeps from from asking.

    • ex_06
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      4 months ago

      just answer ‘‘thank you for the disgust sentiment, really needed that from a friend, cya’’

      if they say ‘‘no’’ but they lying, just treat it as a real no because people not able to be open about this are not ready for a healthy relationship

    • vonbaronhans@midwest.social
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      4 months ago

      The fear of “ew no” is real, but also not nearly as big a deal as you might think.

      “Ew no” is at its most powerful in small, isolated communities, where a single “ew no” from the wrong person can have outsized reputational damage. Think high schools, small towns, etc.

      As you get older though, you have a lot more opportunities to meet more people who have zero relation to anyone who might’ve said “ew no”. Pretty great that way.

      But there’s also the more intimate damage of “ew no”, just that it hurts to be rejected or thought of that way. The good news is that anyone who would say “ew no” is legitimately not anyone you want a relationship with in the first place. Neither of you would be happy together, so their rudeness aside, they’re doing you a favor of not wasting your time with an unhappy relationship. Seeing the bigger picture there really can help with the ego damage from “ew no”. Their reaction is more a reflection of them than it is of you, and recognizing that really helps with confidence building, too.

      Sorry for the ramble. I was a nerd in school back when that wasn’t cool. But I’ve been happily married for a while now, and it would’ve never happened had I not been willing to risk an “ew no” from time to time.

      • Notyou@sopuli.xyz
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        4 months ago

        I was also a nerd in school. I still am, but I was one then too. The “ew no” was a big thing for me to get over, but that is the biggest fear most guys have with putting themselves out there.

        I also try to remember that a woman’s biggest fear is being raped and/or murdered. If I keep that in mind it is easier for me to give them easier outs when I asked them out. I’m married now, so I don’t know about current dating trends. I think a little empathy could go a long way though.

  • Tolookah@discuss.tchncs.de
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    4 months ago

    This comment section is weird.

    What kinds of breakfast do sharks eat?

    Or are you a breakfast that eats sharks?

    • ex_06
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      it’s not that weird from my perspective. the post was kinda a rant so it baited people that are not really ready to discuss but just felt like having to point out their perspective in a defensive way

      break the chain my friends, we can do better

    • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyzOP
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      This comment section is weird.

      God, it hurts. I wish I couldn’t read.

      What kinds of breakfast do sharks eat? Whatever they want!

      Or are you a breakfast that eats sharks? I would never eat a shark! I love them a lot. (:

  • Rentlar@lemmy.ca
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    4 months ago

    In keeping with the spirit of 2x I’m not here to spout my opinion into this community meant for those of female gender. I’ll put forward some information that may help alleviate your confusion and bring context as to why you’re receiving the responses and opinions you are:

    A Lemmy.ca survey was conducted at the end of last year, and resulted in 87% reporting as male gender, 7% as female and 6% combined as non-binary, genderfluid, other, of the users who opted to answer the question.

    Other servers probably have a similar distribution but some may be more skewed to some demographic such as lemmy.blahaj.zone.

  • Gonzako@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    I’ll be honest, I only ask out girls I catch glancing at me at least 3 times in a row. I’ve a fear that I may be triggering prey response in some of these but I’ve yet to have a bad interaction with any woman I’ve asked out after confirming this.